Tuesday, December 8, 2009

the promise land

by narkcyin

When Israel left Egypt, they left with gold, silver, and Egypt's finest clothes. Talk about bling, man they had it all. So the Israelites set out into the desert under the leadership of Moses. After crossing thru the Red Sea on dry ground the Israelites set up camp at the foot of Mt. Sinai. It was here that the Israelites put their Egyptian booty to use; they built a golden calf. This golden calf was anointed as their god and gave them the okay to willfully indulge in every lustful activity they could imagine. What started off as fun and exciting, quickly became hell. While the Israelites were cavorting in the wilderness, Moses was up in the mountain talkin with Israel's real God. So in the middle of their 1 on 1, God tells Moses, that those people are down there actin' a fool. So Moses makes his way down from the Mountain with the two tablets w/ the 10 commandments written on them. Joshua was halfway up the mountain and when Moses reaches Joshua, he says, "There is the sound of war in the camp. "Moses replies: "It is not the sound of victory, it is the sound of defeat; it is the sound of singing that I hear."

For centuries black folks have been drawing parallels to the children of Israel and themselves. Many a negro spiritual is inspired by what God did for the children of Israel. A few things in this story stand out to me. The Israelites left Egypt with what many would extremely valuable possessions; they left Egypt with riches so to speak. In some ways it was like reparations, after 400 years of slavery they get to leave with as much of any and everything they can carry. Not long after their leaving there was sense that they didn't have enough, or what they really needed. Here it was they where out of under Egyptian oppression, with enough gold and silver to put DeBeers to shame, but it wasn't enough; they needed a god. So they had the bright idea to transform their valued possessions into their god. I don't mean to be too obvious, but this is exactly what we do today. We fashion things that we ascribe value to as our gods. And these gods give us freedom to act. In this case the Israelites' god licensed them to abandon good judgment and do whatever felt good in the moment. Unfortunately their good time undermined what God actually had for them. Most telling is what Joshua and Moses hear. Joshua hears a war, Moses hears defeat, but the only sound is singing; singing that conveys war and defeat.

Yesterday I had the privilege to catch half of a documentary called "Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes". The film focused on the image of black masculinity as portrayed in hip hop music. In so many ways it was a repeat of this story for me. There's bling, there's sex, there's partying, and there's music. And regardless of the context the music doesn't highlight victory, instead it canonizes defeat. And at the end of the day the question remains, is the golden calf, the bling, and all that comes with it really worth it, or could God actually have something better for us on the other side of this desert?

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Run In....

Have you ever ran into someone that you thought you would never see ever in life again?

well i had a run in with..... The other woman.

When i was 23 i fell in love with a man.. he was everything i was not accustom to, he was white, from West Va, had a accent, he was sexy as hell & also my Supervisor!

Now at that time I was not your modern day 23 yr old, I was a very naive, green as Iceland type of 23 year old..

let me give you the back story on myself and my supervisor who we will call MEL.

Now when I first met MEL, I was interviewing for a position at Lowes and he was standing at the service desk, my first impression of him was that he was a cocky prick with beautiful mel Gibson Blue Eyes, he looked just like John Travolta in Grease but Hotter!, the reason why i called him a prick is b/c he left me standing at customer service for 30 mins when he told me he was getting the manager.. i had to remind him 3 times and finally the manager came up to the desk, he introduced me to MEL & we shook hands and i swear i felt a sharp charge & I think he felt it also bc he drop my hand abrutly then the manager then asked me right in front of him what do i think of him? i informed the manager that i thought he was unprofessional for leaving me at svc desk for 30mins... MEL looked shocked and that's the same day i found out that i would be working for him...

fast-forwarding 6 months into working with MEL

MEL's and i relationship was a love and hate one, we loved to disagree and argue about everything, from Michael Jackson, politics, racism, love,my relationship with my boyfriend, ( he thought my BF at the time was a gangster and not good for me that the only reason I was with him is b/c he looked like MJ..that's another story, he wasn't a gangster he just didn't like him ) we talk about His family, how his girl cheated on him and that they were no longer together etc. we talk about everything.. cue my attraction for him

Here's when it gets interesting

one day i ended up staying late at work b.c we had an audit, MEL and i worked from 6pm to 6am, i knew something was going on with me, my attraction for MEL was getting bad in fact it got so bad that when he would get close to me i couldn't breath, i caught my self staring at him alot, and when i would hear his voice my belly would flip, i tried to distance myself from him but nothing work, even he was changing, he was always patting me on the back, touching my arm just very physical but in a non inappropriate way.. anyhow when we stayed late there was a black out in the neighborhood and the back up generators at lowes didn't come on..

i was so scared and nervous b/c of how my body was reacting, talk about fighting the flesh i was going to war with that joint..lol!, MEL thought i was scared of the dark and grab my hand and started hugging me.. he smelled like..Irish spring soap and A Man's Man's deodorant...

then things got weird.. MeL starts stroking my skin, telling me that he has never felt anything so soft, he placed kisses all up an down the side of my face, nose and lower lip. MEL was 6.3 and 240lbs .. he was at the time 5years older and i was 20lbs lighter, ML picks me up manages to take my apron off and starts unbuttoning my shirt, he licks my skin and starts to get famliiar with greatness, my mind felt like i was high, i couldn't move, i really thought I was going to pass out, he kept repeating to me how he wanted me since the 1st day he shook my hand, how beautiful and soft i looked and felt, then he stops ,looks me in the eyes and tells me he is married, then backs up.....

I couldn't believe what i heard..i would never sleep with a married man let alone sleep with just any man , when i say i was straight battling the flesh, u just don't know, there was so many things at that time in my life that was going on, that my feelings for him was a brief escape from it all, & when he said he was married, i went from shocked to straight Hood all in a instant, i then started screaming and cursing him out, then it dawned on me that he back up and then i got a feeling that something was wrong, i looked behind me and there was his wife starring at us from outside the window of the store....

At first I didn't know who she was but from the look on his face I knew it was his wife... she started screaming and banging on the glass. There was so many thougths going through my head but I had to tackle them later, i button up my shirt trying to cover the hurt and shame on my face, my heart went out her I could imagin what she was feeling, I did just almost let her husband sample the essence that is me.

I have never been in this type of situation before, right away my inner gangsta popped into action... there is a possibilty that I might have to whoop his wife ass if she tries me...

Mel stop me from approaching the door he kept repeating that he was sorry he opened
The glass door she came in she slapped him like 4 times and glared at me... the first thing she asked me was how old am I? My reply to her was old enough to work here ... I wanted to tell here the truth that I didn't know anything about her that he never said he was married, he told me he had just gotten out of a relationship..

She ran out, he followed her and i went home, I never saw Mel again, he didn't show up for 3 weeks and when he did, it would be on days I didn't work .. I wrote his wife a long note in hopes that I would be able to give it her I ended getting his address and wifes name from the lady in HR and mailed out the letter... Mel xsfered to another store and I was offered his position. A coworker gave me a letter saying that Mel left it for me, I never read the letter I trashed hit.

Now to the present day.. I went out to lunch with my girl samantha at my job? we stop off at Cvs to get some items, as I went to the cashier to ring up my purchases the cashier kept stairing at me.. I asked her if she was okay?!? The cashier didnt answer , as she gave me my receipt She then asked me how old was I ... I asked her what for ? she then said thank you for the letter ...,and then it hit me who she was... I told her ur welcome
And I am so sorry.. Samantha looked so confused... Sheri then squeezed my Hand and said all is forgive that she knew it was not my fault ... I walk out of the store and went into the car with the weight and guilt I was carrying since that day off my heart... I gave God thanks and cried.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Son....a spiritual reimagining of a dream I once had

To My Son....

To my future son....Ekundayo Adeshola Olubunmi.

My son.. I eagerly await your arrival, I know that your spirit is with the father but know that I am preparing your way into this this world as my ancestors have done before me..

My son.. know that your mother loves you and apologies for the condition the world is currently in, I apologies that the home of your forefathers is being plagued with Aids, Genocide, Pestilence ,Self Hate and corruption. I'm so Sorry that the fathers, sons and brothers of our people have turned against you and and taken up arms with the enemy...

My son.. I am sorry that some of my sisters have also taken up arms with the enemy and have even gone far enough to believe and even welcome the evil ones notion that you are inferior, dumb and not beautiful.

My son.. Please do not be ashamed of your Mother , I have tried to show my brothers and sisters the light.. but they are so far gone and disconnect from the truth that they are comfortable and happy living in the filth of there own matrix.

They mock me, belittle, degrade and rape me, They hide me from view, they keep me in the darkest part of the abyss so that the spiritual naturalness and majestical glare of my beauty will not shine or be seen, they tell me how dear I speak of myself as a Queen, a Royal of noble blood, that my eyes are not the color of the sea, and my skin not the color of the clouds so who am i to proclaim anything..................

My son.. know that even from the beatings of my brothers, from the rape and degredation of my sons, to the slap, torture and spit of my sisters i remain steadfast & strong. I laugh, I laugh so hard that the blood of our homeland drips from my eyes and oozes out of my pores..the cry's of a once prosperous nation ringing in my ears. and i know that we are not alone and must keep and countinue on in faith, hope , knowledge and determination.

I...laugh so hard while praiseing the almighty that the evil one remains confused, wondering how can this woman laugh when she has be abused, raped, hanged, murdered and despised by man and even her own country man...


(for you see my son..praise will always confused the enemy)

So be proud of your mother, know that i love you unconditionally, know that it is in God image you were created and in your mothers likeness you will be born.


know that you will be seduced , tempted and lied to, know that even the very ones who resemble you, will even be out to get you..

Rise MY SWEET PRINCE and be of Good Courage, i am preparing your way, and as you grow never forget your mother, and everything i've taught you and went through for your rightful existence, never forget the strength and power that God put in the body of a Woman, your mother......

my joy.... oh how your mother can not wait to see you,, to tell you the truths that the evil ones doesn't want you to know ,

my son.. know that i can not wait to kiss your ten fingers and toes, to look at your beautiful brown eyes, to behold the kingly garment of your dark skin, to smell the sweetness of honey and strength that comes from your pores and to love protect, nurture, and grow the natural crown, "THE PROOF" of your birthright .

my son .. the time has come.. know that your mother loves you and know that even though i will one day go back home to the creator

that the very essence of me lies within you and that my blood sweat and tears lie with your ancestors, in AFRICA.


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Monday, November 30, 2009

My recent thoughts of the early AM 11/30

Not sure what to say or how to start this.. be gentle with me it's kind of like my 1st time again ...my thoughts of the current night A.M. At 2:45 is currently on my relationship and where it stands, funny....I have never been a person to publicaly talk about what I am going through or how I feel, I have always just personally dealt with it and kept forward.. In my culture most African women would never discuss there inner thoughts, feelings, wants or dislikes, hardships,desires etc, for fear of someone using it against us, or it making us look weak or vunerable, when these things occurr we tend to create a distancing mechanisim from that person or situation to get away from that feeling of being exposed, I believe by doing this helps to an extent but mostly hinnders us in the long run.

Anyhow back to my thoughts of the early A.M.

Sunday 11/29 was the 1st / 2nd time I met some of my BF friends.

The meeting was i guess okay, of the four guys there, one guy I had a really good convo with now I have an intellecutual crush on him, the other guy was formal and polite and the other two men we didn't say anything to one another at all and I am okay with that....(I think)

I know it takes 2 to communicate, I think in my mind b/c of the failed previous attempted I didn't care anymore and therefore portrayed it in my actions, I wasn't overtly rude but i was so over it before it started....I didn't even try...

I am really great at meeting people on my own terms...I have an infectious personality and am geniually a nice and warm hearted person but I guess that is a part of me they will never get to know or want to know... There have been some minor things that have transpired between my bf and I that were equally both of our faults in the past, he is the best BF ever but in my experience people generally tell a situation from a one sided point of view, granted these were things of the past and not major at all but bc of it i kind of had a 2pac fuckum all mentality with the one sided advice that was being given. When people have not met you that's all they have to go on is what they think they know or heard about u & bc of that I digress myself from the situation... (remember what I said about woman from my culture)

Not sure why I am rambling on about this but on some level I think it bothers me alittle..

I think at times I can be my own worse enemy..sometimes when it comes to my self I speak against things instead of constantly speaking great things into existance bc it easier to play against it then hope it all works out and then it doesn't, I rarely do this but I do it and I shouldn't.

Guess I must be slacking on faith in that aspect..." faith is the substance of things hope for and eveidence of things not seen ..... I have faith in Jesus:) In my self, my soul, work ethic, in my inteliigence and in the Truth... Speaking against things is only causing the outcomes that I don't want... I honestly have not tried much to get to know anyone of them, I tried to set some things up but it always fell through and apart of me kind of hoped it would... I feel that I have been on an uneccessory defense against his friends thinking they were judging me while all the while it was I that was judging them..

I have been through a great deal in my life but I can't let my past dertermine my future, I can only learn from it and if inturn they still don't like or try to get to know the awesomeness that is me at least i can say that i tried and put forth an effort, if for some reason it doesnt workout then it's there loss.

weird ....I went from not caring to caring more then I wanted too honestly in retrospect I've known that I always did.

Can we say revelation
Let's see how things play out... Stay tuned

Btw... I love you Michael Jackson!! R.I.P

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