Monday, November 30, 2009

My recent thoughts of the early AM 11/30

Not sure what to say or how to start this.. be gentle with me it's kind of like my 1st time again thoughts of the current night A.M. At 2:45 is currently on my relationship and where it stands, funny....I have never been a person to publicaly talk about what I am going through or how I feel, I have always just personally dealt with it and kept forward.. In my culture most African women would never discuss there inner thoughts, feelings, wants or dislikes, hardships,desires etc, for fear of someone using it against us, or it making us look weak or vunerable, when these things occurr we tend to create a distancing mechanisim from that person or situation to get away from that feeling of being exposed, I believe by doing this helps to an extent but mostly hinnders us in the long run.

Anyhow back to my thoughts of the early A.M.

Sunday 11/29 was the 1st / 2nd time I met some of my BF friends.

The meeting was i guess okay, of the four guys there, one guy I had a really good convo with now I have an intellecutual crush on him, the other guy was formal and polite and the other two men we didn't say anything to one another at all and I am okay with that....(I think)

I know it takes 2 to communicate, I think in my mind b/c of the failed previous attempted I didn't care anymore and therefore portrayed it in my actions, I wasn't overtly rude but i was so over it before it started....I didn't even try...

I am really great at meeting people on my own terms...I have an infectious personality and am geniually a nice and warm hearted person but I guess that is a part of me they will never get to know or want to know... There have been some minor things that have transpired between my bf and I that were equally both of our faults in the past, he is the best BF ever but in my experience people generally tell a situation from a one sided point of view, granted these were things of the past and not major at all but bc of it i kind of had a 2pac fuckum all mentality with the one sided advice that was being given. When people have not met you that's all they have to go on is what they think they know or heard about u & bc of that I digress myself from the situation... (remember what I said about woman from my culture)

Not sure why I am rambling on about this but on some level I think it bothers me alittle..

I think at times I can be my own worse enemy..sometimes when it comes to my self I speak against things instead of constantly speaking great things into existance bc it easier to play against it then hope it all works out and then it doesn't, I rarely do this but I do it and I shouldn't.

Guess I must be slacking on faith in that aspect..." faith is the substance of things hope for and eveidence of things not seen ..... I have faith in Jesus:) In my self, my soul, work ethic, in my inteliigence and in the Truth... Speaking against things is only causing the outcomes that I don't want... I honestly have not tried much to get to know anyone of them, I tried to set some things up but it always fell through and apart of me kind of hoped it would... I feel that I have been on an uneccessory defense against his friends thinking they were judging me while all the while it was I that was judging them..

I have been through a great deal in my life but I can't let my past dertermine my future, I can only learn from it and if inturn they still don't like or try to get to know the awesomeness that is me at least i can say that i tried and put forth an effort, if for some reason it doesnt workout then it's there loss.

weird ....I went from not caring to caring more then I wanted too honestly in retrospect I've known that I always did.

Can we say revelation
Let's see how things play out... Stay tuned

Btw... I love you Michael Jackson!! R.I.P

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